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waist-ing time

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I have a love/hate relationship with my body. Food, calories, weight, and size are all things that I think about on a daily basis. It is something that I am constantly working on. Honestly, it's exhausting. I'm on the shorter side measuring up at only five foot three inches, which is no big deal, really. But I'm not a small girl. I'm a 32DDD, 30" waist & 40" hips.  Today I'm blogging about it because I can't get over how big my ass looks in my birthday photos. I even had to ask my boyfriend Julian "Do I really look like that?!" He just smiles and says yes, of course, but seriously?! Ugh. And to top it all off I had to spend $100 on a bikini in my size. Not to mention about 5-8 hours of trying on about 1,000 different ones. This world isn't made for people like me, and it kinda makes me sad. It's like a support system when you find someone else who has the same problems. Like big boobs anonymous or something. "Hi, my name is Jillian and I spent my entire paycheck on one bra."

Why can't I just be me? Why can't I just look at myself and be like - Ok, this is what I'm supposed to look like. When I tell you it's a constant battle, I mean it. I can't remember the last time I was happy with my appearance. There's always something that could be better. I'm letting this all out today because it's something I want to let go. When I was in the 3rd grade our teacher had us write a journal entry everyday. We would have to write for 10 minutes about anything, and we weren't allowed to stop writing. If we couldn't think of anything to write about - we literally had to write the word "think". Ever since then, I have been a journal-er. I force myself to write everyday even if it's only a sentence. Sometimes even writing down a word helps me to feel better. Finally letting out how I feel about being fat really isn't easy for me. What will I waste my time thinking about if it's not my weight? I have no clue. 

If there is anything that I have learned in life so far it is that it moves way too quickly. Life is too short for me to be constantly consumed by counting calories and sucking in my stomach. I'm not saying to let yourself go, either. Eat salad, but eat ice cream sometimes, too. Work out, but spend a day or two in front of the TV also. Lets just take this one day at a time people. Just for today, be happy with who you are. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here. Here's to forgetting what were supposed to look like. Here's to loving ourselves no matter what. You are f!@#ing beautiful.

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